The truth about divorce court
When you think of the court, what comes to mind? Justice? Authority? Order? Courts are often perceived as the ultimate arbiters of fairness and legal resolution. However, when it comes to divorce court, the reality can be starkly different.
Why are there so many knock-down, drag-out divorces?A crazy ex is one reason, but the court system certainly does not help. Over the course of 12 court hearings in 3 years, I dealt with bureaucracy, witnessed systemic inefficiencies and deeply felt the lack of “public service” in the court system. If you are in the trenches, I hope my story will make you feel less alone and offer some helpful tips.
In my first court hearing, the judge thought I was the scorned woman asking for money, with the female attorney who should talk to me to make some sense. It was the other way around.
My ex-husband was the one demanding an amount of imagined, nonexistent assets. I was represented by a male attorney. We had to clarify to the judge TWICE. If the judge had reviewed our case file and paid attention when we were sworn in, it would have saved everyone the need of explaining.
That was just the beginning. The court often focuses on pressuring both parties to settle, but they don’t alway do it based on law. In one court conference, the judge deemed the apartment as my separate property and told my ex that he couldn’t claim anything. In another court conference, the judge declared the apartment marital property and told me it would be subject to distribution. There had been no changes in the facts regarding the apartment between the two hearings. Another example is at one point, the judge told my ex that he’s not eligible for alimony because alimony is need-based and not automatic, but 20 minutes later in the same session, the judge suggested I give my ex some money and consider it “alimony.” So which way is it? What does the law say? If you think the court is going to give you an answer, think again.
In matrimonial court, judges often strive to get cases to settle, and avoid making definitive rulings whenever possible. It reduces the court staff’s workload. Not making a decision also reduces the judge’s liabilities.
Judicial rulings can be subject to appeals, scrutiny, and potential legal challenges, which could drag down a judge’s KPIs. Yes, judges also have performance reviews. Consequently, by refraining from making definitive rulings, judges mitigate their legal responsibilities and the potential for professional repercussions.
The system and the unnecessarily prolonged process worked great for the attorneys, who seized every opportunity to escalate the conflict and earn more legal fees.
For instance, over two consecutive court hearings spanning five months, the opposing attorney argued for A instead of B in one settlement term. Two years later, in another set of hearings, they argued for B instead of A. This is part of the game, and the judge permitted it. Both sides accumulated tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fees. In a divorce, only the attorneys win.
Even in the most dire situation, there’s something you can do:
The first thing is gathering the facts.
When nobody reviews documents and nobody cares about the justice, we have to know the facts ourselves. Whether people follow the rules or not, give them hard facts they can't argue against. Get the full picture of your total assets and debts, what’s marital vs. separate, your income & expenses, home equity split and demonstrate if there’s a need & legal basis for alimony. It sounds like a lot of work but Anew helps you do that efficiently. On the Anew platform, you can have your net worth summary, income & expense report, home equity calculations all in one platform, and use the settlement planning tools to lay out your negotiation strategies. These are what build your case. No need to spend $5000 or $15000 on financial analysis done by attorneys. Go to loveanew.co/truth and get your free 7-day trial.
Slow it down.
When being pressured, slow down interactions by sticking with the facts repeatedly and asking questions about the others’ comments. These are tactics to absorb the emotions of the other side and the court, to make them slow down and think through their arguments. When tensions are high, say you want a 10 minute recess. It does everyone better.
Don't get discouraged when things go wrong.
Before the case ends, you can always turn the table around. Keep your eyes on what matters - like financial stability for your future. It's worth it.