The price tag of an affair | divorce money diary

The price my ex-husband and I paid for his affair is $77,631.21.  

It’s amazing how much credit card statements can piece together a story. This is the money diary of my ex-husband’s affair and our divorce. 

December 2020 

He spent a total of $536 on DoorDash. Even during a global pandemic, he was having virtual dates and sending food deliveries to her doorstep. That was the beginning of their relationship.  

January 19, 2021

He told me he’d like to separate and flew to Puerto Rico with the woman. On their first day, he spent 

• $53.21 on breakfast delivery. They probably couldn’t get out of bed. 
• $37.52 on a quick drink before heading to dinner.
• $142.37 on dinner for two.

They went out pretty much every other day. 

February 20, 2021

He told me he wanted a divorce and paid $5,000 to a New York divorce attorney as the retainer fee. He had a side business offering design services and charged the retainer fee to the business card, later writing it off as a business expense.

That same day, he went shopping and spent $493 at the mall.

April 17, 2021

He used his credit card points to buy a plane ticket to Chicago, then spent $1,359 on a two-week Airbnb reservation to visit her in her city. It's odd that he needed an Airbnb—perhaps they were trying to play it cool?

June to August, 2021

He moved into the woman’s apartment. One way ticket to Chicago, no more Airbnb reservations, and all payments’ locations were in chicago. 

September, 2021 

He got a new job and was required to move back to New York. He spent $3280 on custom made suits, and $1,120 in a single trip to Lululemon—apparently, a new job calls for new workout clothes. He rented a luxury one-bedroom apartment in Jersey City for $2,160 a month Makes sense. Can’t get that price in New York. 

October to November, 2021 

He traveled to Chicago every other weekend to spend time with his girlfriend. At the time, airplane tickets were still cheap and a round trip didn’t exceed $250. 

December, 2021 

They went to Costa Rica for vacation - that’s a whopping $3,500 all inclusive.

January 2022 

He filed a motion asking the court to limit the scope of financial discovery.  That motion cost him $4,145. 

In the first year, the total amount he paid for the affairs was $32,036.21 including the additional rent he paid for his bachelor pad, and for the divorce $9,845 so far. 

I paid $14,750 in attorney fees of my own.

By that time, we already had two court conferences but we hadn’t even started the settlement talk. You might think he’s the monied spouse. Well, throughout the case, he was actually pretending to be poor and asking me for money. He refused to hand in documents about his new job and his side business, which showed that his income had tripled. Because his income grew so much, he felt like a rich man and he needed to pursue a new relationship and a new life, but he wanted my money as he did all of that. 

The court declined his request to limit the financial discovery, so he had to share all his bank account statements.This was how I discovered his affairs and his growing businesses, which explained why he was so eager to leave our marriage.

My thesis is:if a man wants to leave me, I will not stand in his way. However, if he tries to take my money, I will not let him have it. He can leave, but he cannot leave with my money.

Now, most courts don't consider fault as a basis for asset division, so a judge typically won't take into account who committed the affair. However, the court does consider earning capacity and financial circumstances of each side, they care about comparing lifestyle in the marriage vs. post divorce commencement. So here’s what I did: 

• In response to his demands for alimony, I highlighted his elevated lifestyle: a luxury apartment with twice the housing costs we had during the marriage, custom-made suits, expensive gym fees, jet-setting for his long-distance relationship, and romantic vacations. This demonstrated that he had no need for alimony, as it clearly depicted his increased spending and earning capacity.
• Regarding his request for attorney fees reimbursement, I revealed his attempts to hide income and assets, mask attorney fees as business expenses, and his obstruction tactics (it took him two years to hand over all his documents).
• In response to his cash demands, I presented his affair-related expenses and high-end luxury purchases as wasteful dissipation of marital income. His divorce planning significantly reduced his share of the marital asset distribution.
• Most importantly, I showed the judge that my ex-husband has no credibility and is, frankly, an asshole.

In the end, my ex had to withdraw all of his demands after spending another $21,000 on his attorney fees. He and his girlfriend broke up after two years. I don’t know how the bachelor’s life is living up to his expectations, but one thing is for sure - he asked for a divorce, I gave it to him. 

It took me many many hours to go through the bank statements, piece together his affairs and present facts to demonstrate his attempts to hide income and dissipate marital assets.  It also took me tens of thousands of attorney fees to figure out the general legal framework. But it should never take this long and be this expensive. You can use Anew’s financial disclosure platform to take stock of your financials. Go to loveanew.co/truth and get your free 7-day trial.  Additionally, you can follow the frameworks in Anew’s Financial Discovery Guide to trace your spouse’s financial footprint in the affairs, and get a favorable settlement you deserve. Use code Truth for 20% off.