Is my husband too broke to be so sexist?
He said tradition was tradition for a reason and it was kind of insulting that I thought I was too good for how he was raised.
So my husband comes from a 'traditional' family. Mum's a stay at home mom, father was sole provider. I come from the opposite - my mother pretty much forbade me from ever being financially dependent on a man and drilled that into me early on.
My husband worked hard to unlearn the values he saw replicated at home. He (often more than) pulled his weight at home, was an engaged and present father and a genuine partner. The one thing that grinds my gears is how much weight he puts on the opinions of his family. I get that we all want our parents to be proud of us, but this is too much.
My in-laws are staying with us for 2 weeks. Our usual routine is, I prep breakfast, we all eat lunch at work/school, and my husband makes dinner. We have a cleaner, but she's on holiday so in the meantime we're DIYing the cleaning where it's down to everyone to keep their space clean and common spaces we all clean. This is how we've always done it, and it works.
My in-laws hate that I'm 'one of those modern women'. They hate that I work, they hate that I don't find my purpose in being a wife and mother and they hate that my husband pulls his weight at home. We spoke pretty frankly early on, where I established my boundaries and told them I won't be chastised about how I live my life in my home. When I am a guest in their home, I accommodate their ways and play the daughter in law they wish I was. They have for the most part respected this.
I got home yesterday after work tired and starving. I typically get home 6:15 or 6:30 and we eat at 7 I said quick hellos and ran up for a pre-dinner shower. When I came down, I went to the kitchen to help set up for dinner and found nothing ready. I asked my husband about it but he wouldn't look at me and his mother answered that he hadn't cooked anything. She told me I needed to do my duty as a wife and cook for my family. My coward husband still wasn't looking at me. I just walked away and ordered takeaway. I dished up for me and my kids and we sat at the table to eat. My husband and his parents served themselves and joined us.
My mother in law was still going on about what was wrong with me and why I was a failure. I asked my husband if he had anything to say. He said his mother had a point and it wouldn't hurt if I acted 'more like a proper woman' and 'took better care of my home and children'. He said tradition was tradition for a reason and it was kind of insulting that I thought I was too good for how he was raised.
This is where I might be the asshole. I told him tradition won't allow a man on 35k to support a family of 5 and he was too broke to be so sexist. He looked hurt and I saw tears welling in his eyes. He excused himself from the table. I regret saying this in front of our children, but him saying that to me after I'm busting my ass to clean up his mess on top of having to deal with his parents was too much for me. Am I the asshole?
Original source: Reddit
Harsh Truths Commentary
The husband needs to face facts—his $35K salary isn't cutting it for a family of five. If he’s stuck in this fantasy where he’s the sole provider, then he’s got to face the reality that his wife has to work to keep the family afloat.You can’t have it both ways. No negotiations. Expecting OP to juggle a job and all the house chores is suffocating. The husband should be thankful OP’s contributing financially because if she mimics his mother and stays home to cook, they'd be living below the federal poverty line for a family of five.
If the in-laws are pushing this “traditional homemaker' nonsense while demanding the wife to also work, they should first demand their son step up his game as a breadwinner. Being the 'head of household' requires more than just a title—it requires making good money, independent thinking, and having the ability to defend your partner. He's failing on all fronts.
The kids shouldn't have to witness this drama, but the in-laws are crossing a line by starving them and shaming their mom for not being 'traditional' in front of them. Honestly, the inlaws shouldn't be allowed to stay with the family. Their rigid mindset is the deepest form of disrespect. Stay at a hotel and stay away from trying to set up unfair rules for the next generation.