I waited out my prenup before divorcing my cheating wife

Original source from Reddit

My wife settled for me. I didn't know it when I married her but I do now. She was in love with her high school boyfriend that her parents hated. She was with him all through university.

Her parents finally told her that they would cut her off financially if she stayed with him. We met soon afterwards and I fell in love. She did not. Once again, this was a surprise to me.

We had a prenup that her parents insisted on. I was in it for the long haul so I had no problem with it. I basically got nothing if we divorced before we were married ten years. After that it was an even split as long as I was not the cause.

She was banging her old boyfriend our entire marriage. I found out after we were married for eight years. I was angry and depressed. I had spent eight years supporting her and her career. She has a much better paying job than I do. It is high profile and she deals with our government a lot.

I decided that I could handle two years of infidelity. I had already done eight unknowingly. I filed for divorce on the day after our tenth anniversary. I let her parents pay for our vacation.

I didn't do anything dirty like send the evidence I had to her parents. I just had a lawyer draft claim for divorce. Included was the evidence that the prenup had lapsed and our holdings were to be split. She said that I blindsided her after our holiday away. She doesn't understand why I would do it. I said that I just don't think we are compatible any more.

I am prepared to go nuclear if I have to. But I don't want our kids, yes they are mine I checked, knowing why. I am keeping the evidence I have on her boyfriend in my pocket. I can blow up his marriage and make her parents pissed at her if I absolutely must. I just prefer to end things with me in a decent financial position to take care of the kids.

Am I the asshole for what I did?

Comments from Harsh Truths

This is pretty straightforward, definitely not the asshole.  When the wife was having an affair, she wasn’t thinking about the family. She’s placing her needs above everything else. So why shouldn’t OP do the same? He’s making a smart move, ensuring he's financially secure enough to care for the kids. As long as he's not asking for an outrageous sum, it's perfectly reasonable for him to wait out those two years and get his fair share of the marital assets for a fresh start.

I understand that OP doesn’t want to tell the wife’s parents about the affair. If they had let the wife be with the affair partner since high school, we wouldn’t be where we are today. What baffles me, though, is why OP isn’t straight up telling his wife the real reason for the divorce. By keeping quiet, he's letting her believe that he’s been plotting this divorce just to snatch half the assets. That’s going to lead to a major showdown: 1) The wife’s going to go full force against OP’s financial demands because she feels betrayed, dragging out the divorce battle, and 2) OP’s going to get painted as the greedy villain by friends and family.

I can see OP saying doesn’t want to show the evidence of the affair because then it would also show that he had been waiting out on the prenup for 2 years. Well, we have two choices - either you tell her that you’ve been waiting out on the prenup due to her affair, or she thinks you’ve been waiting out on the prenup for 10 years, from the very beginning.    To be honest, the former is better because either way you had been waiting out and the former is totally justified. Letting the truth out would let both of you have closure, the wife would know the reasons behind the divorce is her affair, she had no one else to blame but her. This would move the divorce forward and release both of you from the emotional torture. 

Another thing I want to talk about is that sunset clauses in a prenup are pretty useless.  In a prenuptial agreement, "sunset terms" refer to clauses that specify a time period after which the agreement's terms either expire or become subject to revision. In OP’s case, it sounded like the sunset terms is that if the couple were to divorce during the first 10 years, there’s no division of assets. But at the 10 years mark and after, the assets will be split. Here’s how sunset terms typically work:

Expiration

The prenup might be valid for a certain number of years, after which it becomes null and void unless the couple decides to renew it.

Review or Modification

The prenup might include a provision to review or potentially renegotiate its terms after a specified period, allowing the couple to adjust the agreement as their circumstances change.

Triggering Events

Sometimes, sunset terms are linked to specific life events, such as the birth of children, significant financial changes, or other major milestones.

The purpose of sunset terms is to acknowledge that the needs and circumstances of the couple can evolve over time, and to provide a mechanism for revisiting the prenup to ensure it continues to serve the couple’s best interests. However, I don’t really recommend having sunset terms in your prenup. The disadvantages outweigh the advantages. If you are afraid of being used by your spouse and you say no asset split for the first 15 years. This cannot stop an evil spouse from using you. They can hide and tolerate for 15 years, and then, boom, they hit you with an expensive divorce at the 15 years mark. You thought you were protected, but not really. And how do you make sense of the 15 years you had together. The sunset term is supposed to be your financial safety net, but if it’s got an expiration date, it’s like having a ticking time bomb. One minute everything’s fine, and the next, you’re scrambling to figure out what’s next.” my suggestion is just do a permanent prenup and when you and your spouse want to change it, change it by adding a rider or drafting a new postnup. Don’t do the sunset prenup.

Whether you are getting married or divorced, it all comes down to one thing: money. A prenup is about how you are going to divide up money in the case of a divorce. A divorce is about, well, it’s all about money.  To figure out the marital finances, you can use Anew. It will help you sort out what’s marital and what’s separate, whether there should be any alimony, and what terms to avoid in a legal agreement. Go to loveanew.co/clarity and get your free 7-day trial