Husband wants divorce after my cancer diagnosis | Reddit story
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Today’s story is the all-time top story from the divorce subreddit.
At a wedding, we vowed to be together through sickness and health, but what do we actually do when we are put to test? Here’s the story.
We have been married just shy of 26 years. I was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma 2 years ago. At first he was wonderful. Total helicopter husband. First couple of rounds of treatment were awful for me. I was so sick, I’m pretty sure I suffered from all of the possible side effects. In October of last year I got the bad news that another line of treatment had failed and started my 3rd line. So far I have tolerated it well. My body has suffered though. I have a large plasma-cytoma on my chest as well as several collapsed vertebrae in my back. My back is hunched due to this and until I can get my bones strengthened up enough to hold the screws I can’t get the back surgery to straighten it. I have been on fentanyl patches along with several other pain meds, oral chemo etc.
I’m not sure when it started, but my husband stopped coming to bed and sleeping on the couch. He wouldn’t go to doctor appointments unless I specifically asked him to go. He wouldn’t give me hugs or if he did they were half-hearted. I started saying stuff to him and it seemed like the more I explained I needed his love and affection, his support, the more he made a point of denying me. Finally, just before Christmas I confronted him about it. But he just shut down. Stonewalled me. The more I pushed for him to talk to me the more nasty he got. Finally, he got pissed and told me “Congratulations, your worst nightmare is going to come true. You're going to die alone” while I was crying for him to tell me what was going on. What was wrong? What had I done? He screamed at me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. That was New Year’s Eve.
He left that night and has only come home to pick up tools or stuff he needed for work. He stopped paying my car payment and it got repossessed. He hasn’t made the mortgage payment. Thankfully, the power is still on and he hasn’t shut off my phone. I am on disability through my former employment, but it isn’t nearly enough to support me. We have 2 dogs and 5 cats that I have to take care of. I am not physically able to do most household chores, though I do the best I can.
He still has not told me what the problems are in our relationship. All of this has blindsided me. I knew because I was sick that neither of us was happy, but I didn’t think it was our relationship that was the problem. Up until he left he would call and chat multiple times a day, was still saying I love you all the normal things. But almost subversively punishing me too.
How does someone who has loved you for over half our lives suddenly become so vicious and uncaring? He was a sweet, affectionate, protective husband until he wasn’t. I can’'t wrap my mind around it. How does he justify it in his mind?
This is soooo hard. It’s a really tough situation to be in. Sometimes the only comfort comes from people who had a similar experience. Here are some stories from the comments.
From u/Proudlymediocre
My ex wife of 25 years did a similar thing. After my lung disease diagnosis she did a slow fade and eventually (after a lot of unkindness towards me) left. Conversely, my dad was 100 percent there for my mom when she was deathly ill and is still there for her 14 years later.
We don’t know who we (or our spouses) are until we’re tested. Sadly, your husband (and my ex-wife) was tested and has shown he’s not there (and is actually cruel) in sickness. I’m so very sorry :(
Therapy was my savior. As was being my own best friend. And lots of journaling. I’m not religious but also read the new testament because the man Jesus showed a lot of courage/forgiveness as he faced death and that was inspirational to me.
I am sad I devoted 25 years to a person who failed me. But I’m grateful that I eventually learned who she was. How sad I would have been going to my grave with someone not worthy of lifelong devotion — I’m grateful that life eventually opened my eyes… I hope you can find your own peace or meaning in what happened to you.
My heart goes out to you. In every way.
From u/Nurseinwyo
This is gonna be blunt. The reason it’s so common is this- people are selfish. Taking care of someone that’s very sick requires putting someone else’s needs above your own for a long time and there aren’t many men that have that capability. Hell most of them can’t even do it in every day life, helping out around the house unless they get some kind of kudos or reward for it. So something like this that is going to require them to commit and sacrifice….what they see is having to give up a lot of their wants and needs and put someone else ahead of themselves. Which is NOT in their dna. Not ALL men, but most. I don’t need to hear from all the men who want to say how they aren’t that way. Bc I’ve heard from and experienced PLENTY that are. And a quick scroll through this sub will back that up. I’m sorry you ended up with one that wasn’t able to be there for you when it mattered. This is absolutely horrible and I cannot even imagine how you must feel. I can’t wrap my head around someone that could just leave someone like this either and be ok with themselves. And when you beat this and come out the other side better than ever and he comes back apologizing and saying he didn’t know how to deal and wanting another chance don’t you dare even consider it. Tell him you did just fine without him and you don’t need no weak bitch holding you back. I wish you the best! 🫶🏻
As much as I don’t want to frame this as a man vs. woman issue, I agree with NurseinWyo. Men often struggle more with the stress and pressure when a partner is undergoing cancer treatment or facing a serious, chronic illness, and they are statistically more likely to leave compared to women. If the roles were reversed, most women would stay and care for their partner. Women are generally stronger mentally, able to endure loneliness, stress, and pressure with greater resilience than men. This is also why men tend to remarry sooner after losing a spouse—they struggle more with physical and emotional pain compared to women.
It’s a harsh reality of the world. We are often wrong about what we think about others, and we are often stronger than we realize. I hope no one goes through such a circumstance, but if you do, seek help from family and friends. Understand the full welfare benefits you’re entitled to. And remember there’s a way forward. Don’t lose hope!!
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