For months, my husband hid money from me
He was quietly executing his divorce planning tactics - dissipating his income, creating secret bank accounts, and manipulating his business books to make it look like he was barely breaking even. And you probably guessed it, the hometown trip was to see his girlfriend, not his family.
Things were a little odd, but I didn’t think too much about it.
Like when my husband at the time decided to upgrade from his perfectly fine Breville espresso machine to the ultra luxury La Marzocco for $6,500. We were in the middle of a home renovation, which I happily paid for entirely. He earned less than me and had pre-marital debt. Our financial plan was his income would go toward paying off his debt, and my income would cover all big expenses like the renovation to move our household forward.
But now, he’s far from debt-free and he wanted a $6,500 coffee machine? He said he’s buying it with the “beer money” he made from his side hustle. Okay, if he had “beer money,” why did he step away from the cashier at Porcelanosa like the invoice was a plague? The bathroom tiles were a lot cheaper than his coffee machine. But I tried to convince myself, “A man can have his toy.” Right? RIGHT?
Then he HAD to buy a $2,000 coffee grinder to go with the La Marzocco machine. A month later he purchased a $1,000 Fujifilm camera because “it was on mega sale.” Same reason for the $3,000 drone camera. Then he went back to his hometown to see his family for three weeks because “the pandemic was stressing him out.” A couple of months later, he asked for a divorce and moved out with his newly acquired high-end items with his new girlfriend.
Much later in the divorce process, I discovered he made money from his side business. He was quietly executing his divorce planning tactics - dissipating his income, creating secret bank accounts, and manipulating his business books to make it look like he was barely breaking even. And you probably guessed it, the hometown trip was to see his girlfriend, not his family.
How did I miss all of those? I asked myself the same question repeatedly and I relived the final months of our marriage ten thousand times. Back then, I was aiming for a leap in my career and vying for a dream job. I was busy with the renovation. I was cooking, cleaning, budgeting…I simply didn’t think he would do what he did. I underestimated the fragility of our marriage. These are the lessons I learned too late:
Marriage is fluid. We must stay open and agile to new information served to us from moment to moment.
Yes, we made our vows, but life changes us all the time. When we don’t hold assumptions about the marriage 1) we don’t take things for granted when things are great; 2) we won’t get punched in the dark when things are bad, which brings me to the next point:
If you feel something is off, explore that feeling. Financial infidelity is very traceable.
It’s not rocket science and most of us can uncover it on our own. Anew’s financial discovery guide will walk you through each step to trace hidden income, dissipated assets and get the settlement you want. Go to loveanew.co/discovery for 20% off with the code TRUTH. If you suspect anything, start collecting information now and taking notes. Financial fidelity often shows that their heart is not in the marriage anymore, and it’s often accompanied by adultery and/or divorce.
Don’t react in the moment. Whatever you find out, stay calm and do not confront your spouse immediately.
They have the upper hand because they have been planning it and doing it. You confronting them now just gives them more information and more time to control the situation. It’s your turn to get prepared quietly. Go get even.
Figure out what’s next.
If both of you want to stay in the marriage, it’s helpful to get a postnuptial agreement to set rules about the finances. If you are heading to divorce, gather all the evidence - it will be so powerful for you to present in court later.
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