Why fighting over money in a divorce is absolutely the right move

When people are fighting about money in the divorce, they hate being perceived as they are fighting about money in the divorce. They like to add a disclaimer like “I’m not trying to take my husband to the cleaners,” or “I’m not trying to screw her financially, but...” or “ I don’t want to come across as selfish, but...”

We often associate money fights with shame, because we see them as a reflection of moral values and character traits. If we are the less monied spouse, asserting our financial needs or desires can be perceived as selfish or greedy. We may fear being judged for appearing to prioritize money over personal relationships. Being the less monied spouse also brings up feelings of inadequacy. If we are the monied spouse, the fear of being seen as "cheap" can stem from the pressure to meet certain expectations regarding generosity and financial support. Others may expect us to give away money freely because of our financial status. Setting boundaries can be perceived as stingy. Whatever we do and regardless of how much money we have, we will face criticism and judgment, making it a no-win situation. It’s futile to add a disclaimer to what you are trying to do financially in a divorce. 

Divorce, as a legal process, IS all about money. That’s essentially what matrimonial and family law is about. The institution of marriage is about protecting property. In ancient & medieval times, marriage was a transaction where dowries and bride prices were common and property was transferred as part of the marriage agreement. Later, marriage became formal contracts to outline property rights and inheritance, protecting family wealth. Still, women at the time had limited property rights. Now, modern laws in many jurisdictions recognize both spouses' contributions to marital property and the law also recognizes non-monetary contributions such as child care, house chores, etc. 

There is the right way to go about money fights and there is the wrong way.

The right way is to focus on the facts and do the math.  To be able to ask for a fair amount of money in a divorce settlement is a process of collecting information and making strategic decisions.  Saying “everything in half” is just a lazy way to navigate the process, avoiding the hard work of thinking through the facts and consequences. 50/50 split is not always fair, sometimes you should get more and you just give up your portion in fear of conflicts. Sometimes you should get less - it may sound harsh, but there’s always a difference between who we are and who we imagine ourselves to be. Sometimes, our contribution or sacrifice  is not as big as we might think. Saying “I need financial help in all aspects” is basically not knowing your priorities and hoping someone else would do the work. I can assure you no attorneys would care more about you than yourself and matrimonial judges are more about settlement facilitation than making decisions on your behalf. To get the facts straight and have a game plan, use Anew.  You will get a full view of your finances and take stock of your financial situation comprehensively. You will also have a set of tools to plan for different scenarios, like what’s gonna happen to your mortgage and that joint account. That will help you understand the legal frameworks and true consequences of each option.  Anew is all about enabling you to make informed decisions and be strategic in the money fights. Go to loveanew.co/truth and get your free 7-day trial.  

The wrong way to go about money fights is doing things out of  fear - fear of loss,  fear of perceived threats, and fear of uncertainties.

The wrong way to go about money fights is doing things out of  fear - fear of loss,  fear of perceived threats, and fear of uncertainties. The perception of a financial threat can trigger tremendous stress masked in aggression. For example, during a divorce, the thought of financial instability can prompt us to fight harder for a favorable settlement, viewing it as a necessary means of maintaining our standard of living. The fear of loss is not only about financial resources but also about instability in lifestyle and family dynamics. This fear can make people feel they are losing the life they have been accustomed to, and their desire for self-preservation grows. They become more belligerent in protecting their money, leading to contentious and prolonged disputes. 

Divorce can evoke fears of being replaced or forgotten, amplifying feelings of rejection, loneliness, and uncertainty.This can lead to unnecessary financial disputes.  Staying engaged with an ex-partner through divorce is often a way to avoid facing the new reality post-divorce. It’s not uncommon for couples to spend excessive attorney fees fighting over trivial matters, like an $8,000 legal bill over a $100 grill.

The key to navigating money fights effectively is understanding what you truly want in life, knowing the facts about your finances, and articulating your proposals and decisions. Be wise. Secure the money you need and deserve, and let go of the rest.