AITA for taking away my wife's access to our money?

I have been married to my wife, Ashley, for 7 years. I am the only one that works. Ashley spends her time volunteering at a charity she started. I am fine with this as I make enough for both of us. In financial decisions we have equal say. I will admit that I am the numbers nerd of the relationship – so I do the budget and handle our investments. My wife has equal input into the budget – we both have to agree on it. Like many people we are saving for retirement and a couple of other financial goals.

Ashley’s sister and her family are going through a lot of financial issues at the moment. My brother in law lost his job and my sister in law is reaching out to my wife for help. They are asking for us to cover their monthly expenses. I said no – while we have some discretionary money, we don’t have that much. Both my wife and I get “fun money” to spend however we wish each month. I told my wife that I would match whatever amount of her fun money she wants to give her sister from my fun money. My wife doesn’t want to do that – she says that won’t be enough money. She wants us to reduce the amount we are saving each month to help her sister. I refused. I do not want to jeopardize my family’s future for her sister’s present. Ashley was very unhappy with my answer, but I refused to change my mind.

I found out last week that my wife gave her sister money out of our general savings account. I was furious – to me this is a complete betrayal of trust. I confronted her and her reply was that I “forced her to go behind my back by being unreasonable”. I was angry - I ended up going to the bank and opening up new accounts in my name only. I moved the balances to my new accounts. I left enough money for the expenses that she typically pays according to our budget (things like groceries, her gas, etc) as well as her fun money. I did not leave her without access to any money. I did leave her with access only to money that she is supposed to spend according to the budget we both agreed to.

I went home and told her what I had done. She is accusing me of financially abusing her. I pointed out that she is the one that abused my trust, not the other way around. That it is on her to prove to me that she is worthy of my trust because after what she did, I don’t trust her anymore. She said if that was the case, she should just leave. That she wasn’t going to be treated as a child. I told her to leave then because I wasn’t going to give her the opportunity to steal from me again when it is clear she isn’t even sorry for what she did. She left to stay with her sister.

I believe I am completely justified for what I have done. She is the one that broke our agreement. Did I take it too far though? This was the first time she ever did anything like this. Did I let anger get the best of me? AITA for taking away her access to the money?

Source: Reddit

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Comments from Harsh Truths of Love

Ashley is a great sister, but she also betrayed her husband’s trust. To address Ashley’s sister’s financial issues, I believe the brother in law has access to unemployment insurance and they can also look up for emergency medicaid, which is tied to unemployment insurance, for any emergent medical uses. They can also go check out food banks to pick up some groceries to subsidize food expenses for themselves.  There are many other ways to help out than solely relying on family relatives. 

I don’t think OP is an asshole. The foundation of any joint financial system is trust. When one partner violates the terms of an agreed-upon budget or makes unilateral decisions about shared resources, that trust is eroded.The wife, on the other hand, feels that her husband's refusal to adjust their financial plan to help her family left her with no choice but to go behind his back. This speaks to the emotional complexity of financial decisions within families. Money is not just numbers—it's often tied to relationships, loyalty, and moral obligations. this is why I do support women ( or just any one), no matter what, to have some source of income and separate savings, so they can make financial decisions solely on their own.  A little late here, but making money of our own is exactly for purposes like this. We get to decide how we spend our money.

When OP  moved their joint savings into accounts in his name only, he essentially took financial control away from his wife. While he didn’t cut her off entirely (leaving her access to budgeted money and fun money), his actions could be seen as drastic. Financial autonomy in a marriage is important, and stripping a partner of access to funds can feel like a punitive or controlling measure, even if done out of self-protection.

Is there anyway that OP can work with Ashley to “lend’ a bigger amount to Ashley’s sister, more than the fun money he initially proposed? I think what Ashley wants is the reassurance that OP would care about her family as much as she does. If this is not a pattern, as in the sister has asked for money from ashley multiple times and this is a true life crisis, do it for Ashley. Because if we are in Ashley’s shoes, it would be cruel to see the sister suffer while we ourselves have money to spare.