Should I pay for my ex-husband's alimony at the cost of my fertility preservation?

One of my ex-husband’s demands in the divorce was $26,716.96 in alimony, based on a 20-month marriage. 

When I got that demand, my initial reaction was why would anyone have to pay anyone alimony for such a short marriage? Both of us were in our 30s, we had no children, we both had jobs and we both had savings. We had some income disparity, but it wasn’t drastic. Besides, it was my ex-husband who committed an affair and chose to end the marriage. The audacity he displayed was truly unexpected.

The $26,716.96 my ex-husband demanded in alimony would cover the two cycles of egg freezing I was planning. In the middle of our four-year divorce (yes, four years for a 20-month marriage), I turned 35, and my biological clock was ticking. I didn't want to miss the chance to start a family, so I wanted to freeze my eggs. The cost was around $24,000 for the two egg retrieval procedures and $16,000 for the specialty medication, totaling approximately $40,000 for the entire process. Plus on-going egg storage fees of approximately $1200/year.

I expressed to the judge my confusion about my ex’s alimony request and questioned its legal grounds, given the length of the marriage, our age and employment status. I emphasized that he was the one who cheated, and I needed the money for egg freezing.

The judge literally said, “I understand your frustration, but cheating and fertility preservation have nothing to do with this case.” The judge then tried to persuade me to give my ex-husband $20,000 to settle the case, as if $20,000 were just $20. I don’t know about you, but $20,000 is still a good amount of money to me.

I don't understand why a woman's fertility value isn't considered in a divorce, especially when access to reproductive rights is being redefined by the U.S. Supreme Court and state courts. It seems the courts always want a say in a woman’s choice and whether a child should be born, but when a woman discusses the resources she needs to have children, the courts do not consider that as part of the judgment or settlement in the most relevant field of matrimonial and family law.  Instead, the court finds my ex-husband’s baseless alimony request more relevant than my fertility preservation costs.

In the New York Times article “Alimony for Your Eggs,” author Sarah Elizabeth Richards argues that a woman’s fertility has an assigned value due to advancements in technology and the prevalence of fertility preservation procedures. She suggests that this value should be considered like any other asset in divorce negotiations. Richards contends that the science of egg freezing allows women to quantify their fertility in a new way. She says, “you might not know when your baby-making days are up, but you can calculate what it’s worth to preserve them. Figures vary by woman and by clinic, but the formula involves the cost of extraction surgery and freezing, the number of eggs you can expect to get, the number you’re advised to stash away, your clinic’s success rate and the number of children you want.” She continues to say, “if the point of a divorce settlement is to take inventory of a couple’s joint life and divide the assets, then that commodity belongs on the negotiating table — alongside vacation time-shares and projected earnings from his and her M.B.A.’s.”  I absolutely LOVE how Richards encourages women to “fight for their reproductive futures by saying: ‘My fertility is worth something. I’m sorry this didn’t work out. I wish you the best. May we both have the opportunity to make our dreams come true.’”

We will never achieve gender equality until men and women can both assume child-bearing responsibilities equally, as both genders can get pregnant and have eternal fertility. The biological differences in fertility create financial and social inequality. Many men remain fertile and capable of fathering children well into their later years, while women are bound by their biological clock. This biological advantage allows men greater flexibility in their reproductive timelines, enabling them to pursue relationships and parenthood without the same urgency that women face. Women’s fertility significantly decreases as they age. By age 35, there’s a marked drop in the quantity and quality of eggs a woman can produce. This decline continues until menopause, typically between ages 45 and 55, when natural conception becomes virtually impossible. 

A divorce during the later stage of a woman’s fertility timeline significantly impacts her fertility future, while the man faces no such consequences. After the divorce, the man can continue to pursue younger women and the possibilities of family building, while the options for the woman diminish. On top of that, I don’t understand how a man who barely committed to a 20-month marriage would have any legal basis to ask for alimony, while a woman’s need to preserve her resources for fertility preservation takes an inferior position in divorce court

It would take decades for the law to change. If you find yourself in a similar situation as mine, there is some immediate relief.  

To defend unreasonable demands from freeloaders like my ex without draining your financial resources, you can figure out the finances and legal frameworks through a tool like Anew.

Anew can help you take stock of the marital finances, present facts to defend alimony requests without spending tens of thousands of dollars on attorney fees. Go to loveanew.co/truth and get your free 7-day trial.  You can also follow Anew’s Financial Discovery Guide to prove that your ex has hidden income and is playing games in the divorce. Use code Truth for 20% off. 

To preserve your fertility, find out if your employer offers fertility benefits.

If not, I heard Starbucks and Kraft offer great fertility benefits that could cover up to $20,000 in procedures and $10,000 in medication. If you have to pay out of pocket, there is a growing number of fertility clinics that offer more affordable options with payment plans. Sometimes you can even negotiate your fees. I was able to negotiate with my clinic to remove the $1,000 cycle management fee, which is basically an administration fee.

Our fertility has significant value, and we determine our fertility future. 

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